Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place,
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you?
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you're screaming?

No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No, you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like (What it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No, you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

That is all.

Laters. xx

Living The Dream

Hey Caro  people!
Back to square one with the positive vibes.
Not such a good week this last fortnight.
I have a dilemma.
My bestie has gone and opened up her own cafe.
And I'm now unemployed.
Oh, did I not mention the handing in of the notice 'cause I'd had enough thing?
Well....Let's start at the beginning. I've been told it's the best place. And let's face it, we're all looking for a best place.
I like to think of myself as a worker. Sometimes hard, sometimes not. Let's face it, we all try to work hard.
Well, I did. Sometimes over 60 hours a week, basic wage, no overtime. Yes. That is exploitation, but, as many Brits do, I needed the money. Until it got way out of hand.
Let me explain.
The owner of the establishment I worked in, and myself, seemed  to have a clash of personalities. She, being the owner would always win. So I handed in my notice. For the 12 months I was there, I received 3 written warnings (the 3rd time for not cleaning the floor properly). Bearing in mind I had no witnesses at all and the printer ran out of ink the 3rd time, so I didn't receive anything in writing. Although I was told they would be on my record for 6 months.
Apart from all that, my bestie went and opened a cafe without me.
This was our dream for years. And now I'm left by the wayside while she has her own business.
I have been asked to go help and I'd love nothing more but, I wouldn't get a wage. And who can live on fresh air?
Jealous? Damn right! Who wouldn't be? Especially since she never let on to her 'bestie' what she was doing. I guess I've got to accept that we're drifting apart. Sad times. But we all move on and all live the dream, apparently.

Laters.xx

Resolutionary.

Hey people!
It's been a while eh?
I've been dealing with a lot of really personal stuff that I've now came to terms with. So I figured that it was time to annoy you guys again with my (in)coherent ramblings.

Since then, I've been working hard trying to get my life in check.
Now, let me think back to where I left you guys. Oh yeah. Those resolutions!
Meep! Okay. I'm beginning to say no. I've refused my daughter babysitting duties. And before you all jump on the proverbial bandwagon, I was exhausted and she gave me an hour's notice. Would you've?
So yeah, I'm beginning to say no! Go me!
The confidence thing I believe, comes with saying no. How many times have you said no and felt good afterwards? A few is my guess.
I'm working on making time for the people that matter. Obviously close family know how many hours I work and that one phone call would bring me straight to them, I still need to work on the whole friend issue. If you're a friend, you'll know what I mean. (Maybe).
Hmm...Meet a man? It's only January! Early days yet?! Unless you faithful followers know any single, good looking men out there.
The 'build a business' is, at the moment, looking good. That's all I'm saying. It may fall through, it may not. Early days. Enough said on that matter. ;)
So, my friends, that's that. It's been great to catch up and if there's any words with the letter 'c' missing it's because that particular key sticks on my keyboard. What can I say, I'm a left handed drinker. ;)

Laters xx

Resolutions.

So, Christmas time is upon us once again. Was it not July just last week? Or is my life seeping away before my very eyes without me knowing anything about it? Time to change! Yes people, it's not only Christmas, it's resolution time. How many did you make last year? And more to the point, how many did you keep?
I made none last year. I never stick to them, so why bother was my attitude. This year has completely changed my attitude. Sooooo....I've decided to make some resolutions and not only try and keep 'em but, post 'em on here so I can have you lot on my back about them too. So, here goes.
1. Learn to say no.
2. Gain some confidence.
3. Make time in my life for the people that really matter.
4. Meet a man. (I'm human! I don't want to be on my own forever and I'm no spring chicken.)
5. Concentrate on building a business. Maybe go to University.

That's about it this year.
Gulp. It's gonna be one scary year!

Laters. x


ps. While writing this, a certain friend of mine posted a picture of an arachnid on the book of face. My 'puter was nearly out the window. Thanks for that Carolyne!!

Building Blocks of Life.

Hello, hello, hello.
I know I've been away for awhile, but my regulars will know that I've had a lot to process over the last few weeks. A lot to come to terms with. And I believe I have come to terms with most of it.
#1 daughter is happily settled into her new home with her partner and is quite the little domestic goddess.
#2 daughter is like the proverbial duck to water with motherhood.
And I'm slowly coming to terms with my mother's condition.
Life is a funny old thing. In one way or another we deal with every blow that's dealt to us. And sometimes, nae, most-times, it makes us strong enough to deal with the next thing life throws in our direction.
These challenges seem to be the building blocks for adulthood. But are they really?
Like a kid that's built the wrong building with Lego, he knocks it down and rebuilds. Wouldn't it be great to be able do that with life.
It's cliché to say I don't regret anything in my life. So yes, I put my hands up and say yes! I regret a lot of decisions in my life. But if I never made those decisions  how different would my life be? Is it a case of 'better the devil you know?' No-one is capable of answering that question so we all carry on and make our decisions, whether they be right or wrong. We are all born to die. It's the decisions we make during our time here that decide how happy we are. Or are the decisions we make already mapped out for us?
You decide.

Laters x

Why?

My mum has cancer.
That was a difficult sentence to write.
My mum has never smoked a cigarette in her life. But she has cancer.
My mum is fitter than me yet she has cancer.
My mum came into contact with asbestos 40/50 years ago. This is why she has cancer.
Why is this fair?
Why?



Why?

Stalker Update.

Yes. I met my stalker. And her husband. And what a pair!
They are one of the nicest couples I've ever had the pleasure to know and I hope to keep in touch with my new found friends for years to come.
They are planning on coming to Scotland every other year but that's not enough for me.
I believe I'm gonna have to go visit Wales next time I'm in Weymouth. I think Weymouth is closer to Wales than Scotland but don't quote me on that as my geography is ridiculous. Either way, Look out Wales!

Laters. x

100 Facts About Me.

Okay. For all you stalkers out there, I'm going to compile a list all about me. It's said that talking about yourself is the easiest thing in the world. So, lets put that theory to the test.

1. My full name is Jacqueline Parfery. I'm the only one in Britain with that name. Which makes it super easy to find me online. Not so good for me and good for any future bosses.
2. I'm 5'3" tall and slightly overweight thanks to an under active thyroid that is currently being treated.
3. I have 2 tattoo's and want another one.
4. I have 3 children and 1 grandchild. 1 son, 2 daughters and 1 grandson. And I love them all dearly.
5. I have been married once although not to the father of my 3 children.
6. Although I don't see myself as a victim, I have experienced domestic abuse.
7. I have a diploma in Hospitality Management.
8. I am, and have been since I was 4 years old, asthmatic.
9. I am a smoker.
10. My favourite tipple is Jack Daniels. Although I have been known to work my way through the gantry.
11. My motto is - I work hard ergo I play hard.
12. My biological father died the day before I was born so unfortunately, I never got to meet him.
13. I am severely dyslexic.
14. I have an IQ of 128. Which apparently is in the top 5% of the population.
15. My favourite movie of all time is 12 Angry Men. It's compelling and very well acted out.
16. My favourite Disney movie is The Emperors New Groove.
17. My favourite cartoon character is Road Runner.
18. I am arachnophobic. To the point where I can't even look at a picture of one.
19. I have very few close friends although I have many acquaintances. I like it this way.
20. I am a very difficult person to get to know. but if you stick around long enough to break down that wall and get to know me, it's worth it.
21. I am a very insecure person, even though I come across as very confident. I'm a good actor. ;)
22. Because of my dyslexia, I've had to work at the English language twice as hard as the next person. So I have the right to be the grammar 'nazi' that I am.
22. I live alone and like it that way.
23. I would be so utterly and completely lost without my internet and my mobile phone.
24. I am left handed.
25. My favourite actress of all time is Meryl Streep. She can turn her hand to anything!
26. My favourite actor of all time is Jack Nicholson. Again, a very varied career.
27. I am not an alcoholic as some people would believe. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings. I go to parties. That's the difference. Thanks for that one Carolyne!
28. I have a very dark sense of humour.
29. I love Mario and Donkey Kong and plan on decorating my hall to show this.
30. I love my iPhone and will probably never try another type of phone.
31. I currently work in a cafe. It's not me living the dream but it helps pay the bills.
32. I love cheese in any shape or form.
33. I am a very fussy eater. Please don't ever invitee me to dinner as I'd hate to offend.
34. My surname is French. Originating from Saint Laurent Valley.
35. I do not speak French.
36. I have 2 brothers. One older, one younger.
37. I have 1 niece.
38. I like songs for the lyrics more than the music.
39. My favourite band when I was younger was Adam And The Ants.
40. The first record I bought was Dog Eat Dog by Adam And The Ants.
41. I enjoy most music. From classic Amadeus Mozart to ZZTop.
42. I very rarely watch television but I like to get my teeth into a good documentary.
43. I love Barcelona and would go back there in a heartbeat.
44. I once won a competition to visit Disneyland Paris the year it opened.
45. I hate gardening. Too many bugs for my liking.
46. I have worked with food my whole adult life.
47. I don't enjoy eating. I feel it's an inconvenience. I'd rather take my nutrients in tablet form if it was possible. Which is quite ironic considering my profession.
48. I am 47 years old.
49. I was born in Glasgow Royal maternity hospital. Which had the rather gruesome and unfortunate  nickname of 'Rottenrow'.
50. My dream was always to travel 'Route 66' on a Harley.
51. I have written a 'bucket list' Though I have since mislaid it.
52. I have a stalker whom has grown very dear to me.
53. My first kiss was on holiday at a 'Butlins' holiday park. His name was Keith.
54. I detest procrastinators.
55. I make most of my decisions on the spur of the moment and very rarely regret them.
56. I love bread. All kinds. Although my body seems to think otherwise.
57. I get on better with the male of the species. Females are too bitchy for my liking.
58. I was and always will be a tomboy. I do not like anything girly.
59. I despise liars. And I never tell lies.
60. I have never played the lottery.
61. I have a passion for South American Indians and believe I am reincarnated from them.
62. I believe in reincarnation. (what?? Do you know 100 facts about yourself?)
63. I loved Britannia High and own the DVD an CD.
64. My one best friend (and her family) means the world to me and I'd take a bullet for any of them.
65. My funeral song will be Vielleicht Das Nächste Mal - Rainbow.
66. My favourite colour is purple.
67. I only drink fizzy juice when there's alcohol in it. Unless it's Irn Bru. Which I only drink when hungover.
68. My non alcoholic drink of choice is a 'Muddy Puddle'.
69. I love milk and have been known to drink 6 pints in one day.
70. I have an estranged relationship with my son. Which is a shame.
71. I love anything supernatural related. 
72. I'm hopeless with names and faces.
73. I have a terrible memory.
74. I have absolutely no sense of direction.
75. I do not believe in religion but have respect for those who do. Just don't push it in my face.
76. I hit menopause at aged 39.
77. I find something very sexy about Asian people.
78. The first thing I notice about a man is his hands.
79. My favourite perfume is Jean Paul Gaultier.
80. I can look at any word and tell you if it's spelled correctly.
81. I am hopeless with numbers. They confuse me.
82. I hate spicy food but can eat chilli if it comes with loads of soured cream to take the spice from it. 
83. I am a 'Trekky' and hate anything Star Wars.
84. I love all science fiction.
85. I only ever drink from a straw.
86. I never take ice in any drink.
87. I prefer savoury over sweet.
88. I love tapas.
89. I don't believe in love at first sight.
90. I'm very reserved. Until I get a drink. Then I love the world and his wife.
91. I don't like ice cream.
92. I like the simple things in life.
93. I'm a very flirtatious drunk.
94. I'm not afraid to die.
95. I have never broken a bone in my body.
96. I do not drive. I have learned but never quite got to the test.
97. I can go 3 days without eating and have done regularly.
98. Christmas is my favourite time of year.
99. I've yet to 'live the dream'
100. I am a qualified chef.

There! Done. I never thought it possible but seemingly, if you really use the old grey matter, it can be done. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I had compiling it.
Laters. x

Empty Nest Syndrome

So, my final chick is flying the nest. How do I feel? Gutted, devastated...old? I have no idea how I feel to be honest. I feel numb. Maybe. Life is cruel. I know evolution has to progress but my babies are mine Mother Nature! And I need to keep them! I know I should be ecstatic. And I am! Really, I am. As an emotional person, this seems to be a bigger issue to me than to #1 daughter. She has bought a 3 bedroom house with her partner. And is getting on in life as I did when my mother didn't like it. I know! Fantastic! You can talk to me 'till I'm blue in the face. But the difference is, she's my baby! I'm so happy for them both and I really do wish them all the luck in the world. But. She's my daughter and I brought her up to be the person she is. So why is someone else taking over my role? I like to think it's because of the way I brought her up. She's a credit to me. (and he's not getting her!) In all honesty......#1 daughter & #1 son in law.....I wish you all the luck in the world!! And if I could do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing.

Laters x

Stalkers!

So, I'm finally going to meet my stalker. Wooo!
Strange reaction you may think? Well,no.Not really. If you know the story.

a long time ago, way out in the woods.....I jest!

A long time ago, I was a very lonely person. So, I joined this chat room.
I know chat rooms have a name for themselves, sheesh, I banned my then, teen daughter from entering them! But I was a hypocrite. Or maybe just curious as to what they were about. So I joined one. Maybe it was sheer luck or maybe by some chance, I knew what I was doing. (I'd go with the luck thing). Anyway, the room I joined were so friendly. I 'met' and kept in touch with one or two people. One person was the trans gender, pre op Jess. Whom I met in real life. She was an amazing woman and such an inspiration. The other was 'Tink' From Wales. Mine and Tink's friendship developed and we realised we had lots in common. So we became Facebook friends. Not the type to mail each other every day, but, she was there. Just like I was there. So much so that when I started this blog, she was my only follower...hence the stalker tag. I'm finally going to meet my stalker on Wednesday...and I can't wait!
I'd keep you posted....but you'll be there!
Laters. x

Babies, babies, babies!

Time for a quick update methinks. Well, daughter #2 had her baby. We all thought she was going to be in the Guinness Book of Records for being pregnant for 5 years but no! After 45 hours of labour and a caesarian section, she finally gave birth. And I was there throughout. What an experience I must say!
Daughter #2 has been in and out of hospital/intensive care more times than I can shake a stick in a lifetime, so I'm quite used to her being in pain. Not that I like it! As any parent with an ill child will tell you, it's soul destroying to watch any child, but particularly your child, in any pain. So by the time she was having contractions, I was emotionally ready to help her through it all. And I did. Until she was rushed to theatre. I tagged along as the birthing partner, to reassure her that everything was fine. I was coping well behind the screen, sitting at her head until I caught sight of the cot. I saw my grandson being resuscitated but as daughter #2 was well behind the screen and zonked out on morphine, she had no clue as to what I was witnessing. Anyway, I was watching with baited breath while trying to keep an expressionless face for my daughter. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done in my life. And I wish never to repeat it.
Mother and baby are both well and under my wing now. How proud am I? 

Laters. x

Grandmother in Training

Well!. For you people not in the know, I am now a grandmother. I know, I know, I'm way too young Aww shucks, you're too kind etc. But yes, I am a grandmother. My baby...daughter #2 had a baby boy. Yes, I know, she couldn't have an adult boy, all you smart asses! As a granny, I am in my element. I can spoil this child (even more than my own) and not have to deal with the consequences. Does the word 'Karma' not mean 'Grandparent' somewhere in the world? If not, it does in my own wee world. Through all the problems that my daughter has to face, bringing up her son will be the hardest of them all. I take my proverbial hat off to her because it's the toughest job in the world with delayed thanks. The thanks rests in the grandparents heart and only they know it's there.
Laters xx

Vote now!

On a downer tonight. Don't really know why. Could be several things, so let's go through them and see!....

1. Daughter #2 had a false labour last night. Boo. We all want a new baby right?!
2. Daughter #1 really did buy her own house and IS moving out! (Woohoo, no cats)
3. I'll be on my own for the first time in 25 years. Meep!
4. I haven't spoken to my mother in 3 months. But to be fair, she hasn't spoken to me either!
5. My job sucks.
6. I'm on a general downer.
7. All of the above.
Get voting now!

Laters x

True Friends

So, tonight I threw a baby shower for my baby. (baby shower? We're getting so American[ised]) My regular readers will know that I will be a Grandmother in 5 weeks. Hence the shower.
Eight people told me they would be attending for definite. Those 8 people didn't turn up .
So, it was a quiet shower but entertaining, regardless. The people that came made the whole night and just as I was getting my faith back in humanity again...it was shot down in fabulous flames!
For those people that did make it, You are true friends. For the rest of you....sayonara!

Laters x

Getting Old

So. It is my birthday today and the last of my chicklets has gone and grown up and got herself a mortgage. When did she grow up? And more to the point, who gave her permission??
Okay, okay, I feel old. Fine! I'm getting old. When daughter #2 left the nest, I was devastated. I mean overwrought, lost appetite, pull the duvet over the head and never speak to anyone again type devastated. And I was never as close to her as I am to #1 daughter. #1 Daughter and I share everything. And yes, I do mean everything. How can I possibly let someone else take over? I nurtured her. I've seen her bits! (albeit she was months old) But I still know her more than anyone!
Life is cruel that way. We go through all the pain of having kids and raising them just to have someone snatch them away.
In all seriousness, I wish her and her partner (#1 soninlaw?) all the best for their future as they seem to have their heads screwed on the right way. And it also proves I done something right.
Kids eh?! Who'd have 'em?!?!

Laters x

Kids.

Quick update tonight.
#2 daughter was offered a flat about 15 miles from me. Myself and daughter#1 tried to talk her out of taking it. But, being the rebel she is, daughter #2 accepted it. So, she's now 15 miles or so, away from me. The thing is, she called today to say she was breathless, (she's acute asthmatic) and there was nothing I could do. Well, I could've paid £20 for a taxi to get her to me but I refused. Why should I? I tried to tell her it was a bad move and she didn't listen. Am I a bad parent for doing so? Or should I stand my ground and let her lie in the bed she made? Why didn't I  give birth to THAT handbook? My kids will be the death of me. But I guess they give me something other than work to worry about!
On a lighter note, I'm off to a 30th birthday party next Saturday. Will I meet the man of my dreams? Will he want a toothless me? Watch this space.

Laters. xx

Empty Nest Syndrome

Well, post hospital, here I stand. Back at work, somewhat toothless and dentist(less) as I still have an infected gum. Back to the doc. I go.
Enough about my oral problems for the moment though. I have bigger issues! Life seems to be interfering with my cosy existence. #1 daughter has just gotten herself a mortgage! When did she grow up????
I was not aware of this but apparently, she alerted me to the fact that she's not my little girl anymore! Have I immersed myself in my work that much?!
Well, no. I just blindly refuse to believe, like any mother, that my daughter doesn't need me anymore. #1 daughter explicitly retorted that she didn't get a life because she doesn't need me anymore but in fact, she has actually grown up and will always need me no matter what.
I believe it's called 'empty nest syndrome'. Phew! it has a name! And here was me thinking I was the only one to go through it!
Anyway, apparently, it's 'normal' and I should be happy that I raised such a well adjusted child.
Yes! I'm happy! My child is so well adjusted! I'm so happy! That happy that I believe I should keep her! I done all the hard work, why should someone else reap the benefits?!
Seriously, (she's mine!) I wish her and her partner all the love in the world. (and trust me, they don't need anymore love) to build a life for themselves.
and on that note, I bid you goodnight.

Laters. xx

The Good Ole NHS

So, here we are again. Lots going on! My grandSON, yes, grandson is due next month. Well, in approximately 8 weeks. Excited much?!
Well, yeah! You should know by now that I'm a control freak!

Anyway...in other news, I have been in hospital. Yes. I have experienced the NHS first hand. I am prone to dental abscesses.  This time was no exception. Until my daughter walked into the room and exclaimed..'Mum! Why are you melting? We need to get you to an hospital!'  I dutifully obliged and trotted off to the nearest A&E expecting a tub of antibiotics and a 'see ya later' type thing. Therein, my troubles began. Apparently, the poison from said abscess had started leaking into my bloodstream and if I hadn't gone to see about it when daughter #1 asked me to, I would not be typing this now.  I had no idea how bad it was. Of course, all this info was kept from me until my recovery. In which I applaud everyone involved! I'm a bit battered and bruised but alive at the end of the day! And I scored a week off work. It was totally worth it for that alone!

Year 1 gone in the new pad! Can you believe I've been here a year?! Better start thinking about getting some carpets down!

Laters x

Le book

Two posts in one night? Wow! I might return to my book. Has my writers block dissipated?
Or is it my own frame of mind? Maybe my energy should go to my book? Maybe my book is no more. Who knows and who really cares?! I'll be a published author by the time I'm 89. I promise. ;D

Relationships

Hello, hello, hello!
So yeah, Grandmother now in three months. Go me! Very apprehensive now I've had time to think. (NEVER allow anyone to THINK) I don't think she will cope. She probably is more than capable of coping but she's my baby and she can't. Okay?! Who has the issues here? Really? She can't wait to be a mother. (She's wanted to be a mother since she was five year old. No joke!) I can't let the apron strings go. My baby is having a baby and I think/believe/want it to be mine because I believe she's a baby herself and can't possibly be giving birth to another human, whom I have no control over?! I seem to be a control freak. I guess if you ask any of my family, they'll tell you that.
I am MedussaMum and I am a control freak. Phew! There, I said it. Is that why I don't have a partner? Am I too strong for all those alpha males out there? Do I frighten them away?
How do people of a certain age meet? Or do women of that certain age resign themselves to being alone for ever? My first love turned out to be a rotten tomato. Has that made me bitter or just cynical? #1 daughter calls me 'fussy' when it comes to men. Am I fussy? Or just burned?
Laters x